This week’s lunch prep features the most iconic dish ever invented, the only possible close second being Paul’s one hit wonder Bread Lion on last season of the Great British Bake Off. For all you virgin eyes out there this is the apex predator of comfort food… as a person who needs constant comfort I consider myself an authority on this. I’ve read a lot of translations of the name but all of them are too many syllables and yet have the soulless death rattle of Google Translate. And honestly…..to hell with a “”””esprit du l’escalier””””” or a “””””schadenfreude””””…the economy, poverty, and #plebcore of 西红柿炒鸡蛋 is the One True Untranslatable, thank you very much…. Need I go through how I made this:
- Quite simply just beat some eggs with salt. Just in the interest of full disclosure I put water in because I needed to streeeeetch my eggs a leeeetle bit…just keepin it real with y’all…
- put some oil in a hot pan and let the egg cook. I let it firm up into a big omelette and then I break it up into little pieces with a fork. My favorite part of course involves destruction.
- The Orthodoxy will have you remove the cooked egg from the pan as you cook the tomatoes separately but in my case I just…..shoved the eggs into a corner of the pan so they didn’t get as much heat
- Cook the tomatoes until soft about [REDACTED] minutes. I honestly don’t know, I’m only nine. I just go off and play until I sense they are done.
- Then mix together the eggs and tomatoes and “let simmer” in the juices on lower heat so it can get…..saucy….
- Some people put spring onions on top but that’s really doing so much with all the bells and whistles…. in my opinion it’s pretentious like you already have red and yellow as vibrant colors what you need green for, this is not a dish to garnish, this is not for Pinterest. This is for YOUR GRANDMA is SICK AND TIRED of your picky ass so you can just stick this in your piehole and eat your rice and then go watch TV and don’t get any fresh ideas
Side notes on savages and barbarians who walk among us:
PART ONE: Who dumped this hearty serving of rice out the window and onto the roof when the trash can is right there. Also and additionally and furthermore those nice young whippersnappers put a compost bin in our kitchen, yet you still chose the path of wastefulness, mess, and sin… Who hurt you?….Is it the same person I saw yesterday wash 3 20 dollar bills in the sink with detergent??? Who’s the adult in charge here….
PART TWO: The kitchen has been smelling RIPE like eau d’BEEF for a couple days… I truly think somebody is eating raw beef or like…roasting beef on a spit over an open fire with no seasoning because the smell is RIPE. It is OUT and PROUD. I’m disturbed that someone or something is walking around that eats semi raw beef with no seasoning and in all likelihood could just SNAP at any given moment. I don’t even want to know what all this RIPE BEEF SCENT is doing to my hormones…C’mon now folks….